Let God Decide
Some people write because they are bored. Some people write to show off. Some people just want to have their voices heard.
I think I’m a combination of all three.
It’s not my style, or rather I try to avoid writing rant anymore. You don’t want to know why, neither do you want to test my ranting.
But these few days have been like riding on a roller-coaster. I know men don’t really understand the full nature of PMS. I’ll just stick to mood swings. For me, it’s not about shouting my heads off at people or ignoring them anymore. I used to do that, but by the grace of God, I have kicked this habit long ago, except perhaps towards my mother. Not shouting of course. We just don’t talk anymore. Don’t ask me why. That’s another sad story.
I’m sorry to disappoint you if you are expecting some new revelations I have recently experienced. You can stop reading now if you are looking for revelations. Anyway, it’s one of those lamentations at the lack of romance in my life.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me and all. In fact just the other day, I was having a discussion with this sister-in-Christ, let’s call her Kristy. Okay, it’s more like a two-sided monologue.
Because I was trying to console her and remind her that Christ loves us, and we are the Father’s Beloved. As for her, she was just contented with flooding my MSN window with her whining - about the lack of romance in her life. Oh well...
Yet the day after, I was an internal wreck of emotions, painstakingly bottled to perfection. I think I have the broadest smile on stage when I sing. I like to think so anyway. I don’t know how I manage that. Praising and worshipping the Lord just helps me put aside everything for now. Irony.
I think it’s the lack of romance, coupled with the fact that I’m smelling something fishy. But I do not dare go one step further. Suffice to say, not that I’ve turned gay or lost interest in women but perhaps the courage is not there anymore.
And I’ve been through some false hopes in the past and lost faith in attempting those chasing games anymore. Seriously girls, some guys do get the kick out of that. Of course, some guys get tired and jaded.
I always hear from my female friends how it’s so unfair for the girl when it comes to chasing games. Because courtesy of societal norms, the girl has to play the passive role even though her hormones are raging like choppy waves in a stormy sea.
I can’t really appreciate the guy’s so-called active role as well. Mentally, it’s a torture. Emotionally, it’s worse. Much worse. Again, I must say again, some egomaniacal, narcissistic, arrogant guys do relish the process.
So far, have I been ranting? I don’t know. I just want to shout out my fears. Fears of rejection, fears of loneliness, fears of uncertainty. I get reminded in church every week that Jesus has taken away my fears. I guess the mind is weak, the flesh is corrupt and the soul? Trying to reconcile with the spirit.
Perhaps the passive way is to let God decide. Perhaps that’s the most active way I can think of that the world views as passive. I think it takes more than a spark, you know, it takes God. I’m still in a state of confusion.
posted by weiwen @ 8:22 PM
1 Comments:
Dear Weiwan,
I don't know what is happening with you, as I haven't heard anything, and I can't make out if you've posted anything after your stuff about losing your job, but I just wanted to direct you to an important man of God named Mike Murdoch. I don't agree with everything he says, but he has written some good stuff on wisdom and you should check it out. He's at www.mikemurdoch.com He talks about the importance of patience as a weapon against the enemy. I am concerned about you because you are creative and emotional and I know how the enemy strikes at the gentle, creative ones.
I am remembering you in prayer.
No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Gabrielle
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