It was not until page 71 when tears started streaming from my eyes. It was Christmas Eve, and I’m lying on my bed, totally absorbed in the pages of Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.
The words that turned on my taps?
“I lost my mother when I was a child…and it was quite a blow to me…I wish I’d had a group like yours where I would have been able to talk about my sorrows. I would have joined your group because…because I was so lonely…”
Except, that it wasn’t my mother I lost. It was my father.
My father left us on 3rd November 2008, slightly over a year ago. He died of cardiac arrest in our house.
I deliberately used the word ‘left’, because it did seem (or rather, it was) that way. There weren’t any warning signs, not even a hint.
It was just like any other day.
My father returned from work on that fateful Sunday night, and as was his routine, he would take a nap before he showers.
My father’s work was tough, very tough. He would wake up before the sun is up each day, and make his way to this fruit shop in Joo Seng housing estate. Most days, I’m guessing, he sleepwalks there.
He had rented the fruit shop. He’s always wanted to start his own business, though past ventures had either failed, or he was cheated of his “investments”.
So he would toil all day at the fruit shop, and come home totally exhausted at around eleven every night.
And when he stepped into the house, he would always pick his usual spot in front of the TV, and collapsed like a sack of potatoes. Before long, his loud snores could be heard – which to me, sounded more like the grunts of an overworked buffalo.
Most times, he would lose track of time, and slept till past two in the morning. His snores spoke volumes of the day’s labor. And as the years went by, those snores sounded more like an asthmatic person gasping for breath.
Sometimes, I would wake him up and remind him that he should shower and sleep. Most times, I would just let him sleep till the next morning.
And so it was, on that fateful night, he hadn’t had his routine nap when I returned from church and later on, accompanied a friend on a shopping trip.
He greeted me with his usual words: “Have you eaten?”
I only nodded my head.
He said he had bought some sweet desserts for mum and me, and that we should tuck in while they were still warm. I declined.
I was too exhausted from the day’s activities, and though I was used to being a nocturnal creature, I plonked onto my bed before midnight, and was soon fast asleep.
I remembered, though, that in the moments before sleep captured me, I heard my mum calling out from the bedroom for my father – to rouse him from his nap and remind him that he should shower.
In my semi-conscious state, I heard my father mutter a reply of sorts. This was followed by a series of coughs, as my father urged himself to make his way to the bathroom.
He always lit a cigarette before he showers. I heard the flick of a lighter, splashes of water as the tap is turned on, and lapsed into a deep slumber.
***
What happened in the next few minutes changed my life forever.
It hit me like a nightmare, though I had no recollection of having had one. It’s one of those inexplicable encounters.
I was jolted from my deep sleep – to say that I have been zapped by an invisible bolt of lightning would have been an exaggeration but you get the idea.
I bolted from my bed, and headed for the bathroom, stung by a strange premonition that something was amiss.
It turned out something was wrong, awfully wrong.
I heard loud wheezing sounds from the bathroom, the kind you hear when a person suffers a serious asthmatic attack. Except that, my father never had asthma.
I banged on the door, and called out his name.
“Pa…Pa…what’s wrong? What happened?” Wheezing sounds.
After a few attempts, I gave up banging, and tried to scale the bathroom door, using my toes to hook on to the grooves in the door, and using my arms to lift myself up.
I saw my father slumped at a corner of the bathroom, naked, white foam oozing out from his mouth, and trickling down his right cheek. There was a string of faeces on the floor next to him.
His whole body looked pale.
I ran into my parents’ bedroom and woke my mum up. Something’s not right, I said, Pa fainted in the bathroom.
Still a little dazed, and eyes squinting, mum followed me into the kitchen. She wasn’t expecting the end of the world. She said my father had complained of back aches a couple of days ago. She didn’t suspect anything.
Grabbing the kitchen knife, I forced it through the slit in the doorway and gave the latch a forceful upward yank.
I pushed the door open, and only managed to hit the left foot of my father’s slumped body.
Shivering, panicking, and heart racing, I tried to shift the motionless body to its side, while avoiding stepping the strand of faeces on the floor.
“We need to get him out of the toilet,” I said to mum. “Help me.”
Okay today (or these two days) is/are probably the most embarassing day or days of my life.
I don't know how many of you saw this gaping eyesore but if you did, I sincerely apologized. And if you did, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME???
Sheesh...
Sigh...
I was happily walking together with my colleagues today in search of a place to settle down for lunch, when one of them said: "Lawrence, you have a super big hole in your jeans!!!"
And I turned around, like a dog trying to chase its tail, and kept asking: "Where? Where?"
"Your butt area..."
"Eh you should wear heart-shaped boxer shorts, then maybe can see the heart shape..."
"Aiyoh...who you wanna show?"
"Alamak!!! You went to work this morning on the MRT in this???"
The remarks flew like arrows headed for the bull's eye.
And there it was, one huge slit, that gaped open to expose flesh and skin...yucks! Oh my God!
Then, my lightning fast mind recalled - that I wore this same pair of jeans to church yesterday!!! And I even jumped up and down during praise and worship!!! Okay, I don't wanna imagine what's the view like for people from my back...
So I tried to pull my polo T-shirt down as I became conscious that with every step I take could make the tear wider and wider...till one of my colleagues said: "Eh, you look like you're wearing a black mini-skirt from the back..."
But I still kept tugging my shirt down every two steps or more, just to make sure it covered the hole. This is just not happening man...
Then on the way back to office, walking ahead of my female colleagues up the flight of stairs, one of them said: "Hey, you walk up the stairs first, after you reach then call us k...we don't wanna see..."
Embarassment...
To make matters worse, I was due to meet with one of my freelance writers in half an hour's time.
I decided I had to make my way to the nearest men's clothing store (which is G2000 at UOB Center, and a good 10 minutes walk away).
And while I would have liked to teleport there immediately, like one Hiro Nakamura, I can't, and worse, I had to take small steps but quick small ones...like how geishas would shuffle their feet as they walk, their wooden clogs furiously battling the cobbled streets of Osaka.
The sun was at its merciless best, and I was sweating big drops of sweat. How much of it was due to the heat, and how much was due to the overwhelming anxiety - I seriously don't know.
Oh then I had to meet people I know along the way. A quick exchange of "hi-byes and how are you doing? Good to see you...bla bla bla" and I tried to fashion a smile (awkwardly), as broad as I can, and then I shuffled off.
Crossing the road, oops, small steps. Avoid eye contact. Small steps. That's it. Stay low. Another traffic light to go...you can do it!
And there it was!!! G2000!!! Mecca!!! The Holy Grail!
I took an escalator to the second floor, where the men's department is. Sweeping across the room , I spotted a pair of berms, and then a pair of jeans.
Then I had to negotiate another obstacle, okay, two. There were two teenage girls helping one of their guy friend (I think one of them is the girlfriend) choose clothes.
And they were standing at the entrance to the changing rooms!!!
I grabbed a pair of berms, glanced at it - size 32 (oh well...) - apologized my way to one of the changing rooms, and shut the door immediately.
Relief...
Tried the berms - too big.
Changed back to my holely jeans, came out and apologized my way again at the teenage goddesses who stood like twin towers guarding the entrance to the changing rooms.
I approached a retail assistant and asked if they have a smaller size for the berms. Grabbed one of the jeans off the rack to give it a shot.
So this went on for a while before I could find the right size. Thankfully, I found a right fit, a few sizes smaller.
I told the retail assistant I'd take the berms, and told her I want to change into it immediately, and if she could kindly snip off all the tags.
She said yes, and asked if she could iron it for me since it appears a little creased.
And much as I was desperate, I flashed the broadest smile and said: "Thank you very much."
A nervy 2 minutes felt like 2 hours.
My phone buzzed. An sms from my freelancer informed me that she will be running about 5-10 minutes late...
Okay, "Cool" - I texted her back!
Finally, having been satisfied that she has steamed away the creases on my new pair of berms, she handed them back to me.
Thank God! One more time, I apologized my way past the "twin towers", locked myself in the changing room, and voila, I was clothed! Fully clothed!
I walked out of G2000 feeling like a new man, looking smug and confident in my mini-skirt-T-shirt-and-berms combo.
And then my mobile rang.
"Hey, Lawrence, I'm here already. Where are you?" A bright feminine voice asked.
Oops...still have to meet my freelancer, got to go...
I headed for our meeting place. This time, big steps all the way...
Phew...can't remember the last time I actually wrote something in this space...
Truth is, not much into blogging nowadays because I'm doing that on a daily basis, but the difference is that it's part of my job, so at the end of the day, I'm just contented to keep coming back to this space to read what others have posted.
Just wanted to pen this down real quick because I had one of my most intimate sessions with Abba while singing this song. Every time I sing it, it never fails to touch me, to the point I get goosebumps all over.
That night, I told Abba I really want to lead worship. If I can't do it on a regular basis, I'll do it on my wedding day. (I don't know when this is going to be, how it's going to happen, who my wife will be...but let's just say it's a faith wedding plan I made).
Yes, I'm going to lead worship with my wife...whoever she will be. We are going to kick off this Holy Matrimony by first welcoming our Daddy God down the aisle, and into the front row seats. We're going to tell Abba: Welcome Daddy, please have a seat. This is for You Daddy, we love You.
We're gonna kick-start the ceremony by first having Holy Communion - to remember what Christ has done for us, and hey, it's a celebration of love, and what better way to honor and observe it by having Holy Communion. Because it was His single act at the Cross, that demonstrated to the world His love.
That He would die for all our sins, like a lamb to the slaughter, dumb to His slayer.
Lord Jesus, You are welcome in this place.
Oh after that, We're (me and my wife, and the band) gonna just let the Holy Spirit sweep this place, and the Presence of God fill the entire outdoor patio at the beach, or overlooking the sea. And there we shall sing, we shall dance, we shall raise our voices and just offer our highest praises and deepest worship.
We're going to fill the House of God with worship, and just engulf everyone in the Presence of God.
I'm penning all this down as a reminder to myself, and with all you out there who read this post, to remind me of this vow I made before God, and with you guys as witnesses.
Say amen!
In case you think I have forgotten and digressed, here's that song that keeps me going, and fills me with His love all over again each time I sing it (yes, I plan to sing that on my wedding day too). Here it goes...
I want to sing... Until I am lost in Your arms... Till I'm found in Your Presence... Worshipping You at Your throne..
Filled by Your Spirit... Entering into Your flow... How precious this moment... Lord, I want You to know...
It's You... You, who have warmed my heart, You've taken me into Your arms, And comforted me like a friend...
Your love...surrounded me from the start... I never want to be apart... From You ever again...
It's You... You, who have warmed my heart, You've taken into Your arms, And comforted me like a friend...
And Your love... Surrounded me from the start.. I never want to be apart... From You ever...again...
Never really know the impact and magnitude until the effects make themselves increasingly obvious by the day: and it is that, I miss you; I really do.
Not being able to talk to you like we used to, not being able to share and fellowship with you...well, I know you're busy, which was why many a times, I had to consciously hold myself back from "disturbing" you on msn.
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. I just miss you, that's all.
It’s been a long time since I last wrote something in this space.
So now that I’m on leave, it frees up time which I would otherwise squander away by bumming because when you are working, you just don’t wanna do anything else when you’re NOT working…
It’s funny how when you’re busy, your brain functions on auto-pilot, and sometimes, the Lord just finds it that extra difficult to get through to you, anyone with me on this?
Then we keep mumbling and wondering if the Lord is there when we pray or when we cry out to Him, not knowing that all the while, He is there, just that we conveniently refuse to open the door.
Sometimes, it’s as if, you know, the Holy Spirit becomes like a ‘nuisance’ and I say this reverently – your mind goes something like…”Eh Lord, busy la now, don’t come and disturb me…”
But when we encounter challenges, we would shed buckets of tears before the Lord and cry out “Oh Lord, hear my prayer…”
Okay okay, you all are good folks okay, I’m the odd ball here…haha
Anyway, so it was, now that I’m sooooo… free, it seems, the Holy Spirit’s promptings just become a tad clearer.
This morning, while on a bus, feeling sleepy and all, the Lord dropped a nugget into my heart.
He said to me: “Let love find you…”
And I was like…hmmm…thinking, Lord, why suddenly this phrase…
Then He replied: “I am love”.
It then became clear to me what He was trying to tell me.
It’s almost cliché to say that we should let go and let God but we never seem to do that, especially in the area of relationships.
We always feel the flesh working against us. We can be praying for one minute to let go and let God take care of our life partner. Then the next minute, we try to make something happen by our own flesh.
It can be as simple as sending a text message, to find something to SMS that someone, or even to msn that person – I’m sure we’ve all been through that one way or another.
Rather than let your thoughts, and your world revolve around that person of your heart's desire, why not let God woo that person for you?
You know what, God desires much more to provide that ideal life partner for you than you are.
In fact, He has gone way ahead of you and saw to it that you shall have a blessed marriage and family life. He already saw your grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Dear brothers and sisters, you are precious to God - you are His Beloved.
The Apostle Paul says it like this in Ephesians 3: 13 - 19: "Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, (Ephesians 3: 14 - 15)
"...that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; (Ephesians 3: 16 - 17a)
"that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height - to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3: 17b - 19)
The width, length, depth and height of God's love is measured by the Cross - that He should let His Beloved Son be subjected to extreme torture, pain, sufferings, sickness, all manner of disease, to be sin for us on the Cross, that you may be redeemed, scantified (which means to be set apart), and raised with Christ to the status of Son-ship!!!
Selah (Pause)
Let me say this again - dearest brothers and sisters, YOU are PRECIOUS to Abba Father, YOU are His BELOVED!!!
Meditate on that love, dwell on it for a while.
In fact, the Apostle Paul is so convinced of the love that Jesus has for all of us that he writes in Romans 8:35 :"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come," (Romans 8:38)
"nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:39)
* * *
There's a Chinese vernacular saying that goes like this "You're choosing others but others are choosing you too" when they advise people against being too picky about their life partner.
This statement is both true and not true.
It's true because the world sees relationships as such, but the Lord Jesus says it himself in John 15: 19: " If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world..."
The above vernacular saying hence do not apply to us anymore. Because the Lord chose us even before the foundations of the world, even before you were conceived in your mother's womb.
The Lord set you apart, raised you up to the status of royal kings and priests - a sanctuary and temple worthy of the Holy Spirit, worthy of His love.
"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16)
"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. (1 John 4:17)
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)
"We love Him because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)
And He says to you and me: “Let love find you” and 1 John 4:8 tells us that “He who does not love does not know God, for Godislove.”
God is love! Amen!
Let’s say that again, and this time, just take some time to savour and meditate on what He’s telling us…God is love!!!
Let Him love you, brothers and sisters, and that love - His love - will attract that brother or that sister-in-Christ to you - because it's the love of God!!! So, let God (love) find you!!!
1 John 4: 9 - 10 is so beautiful – it goes on to say that “In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this islove, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son [to be] the propitiation for our sins.”
I was chatting online yesterday night with a sister-in-Christ whom I have not caught up with for a long time.
We updated each other on what has happened in our lives for the past two years, and somehow, we started to share on “resting in the Lord”.
And suddenly, she asked me how is the word “rest” written in Chinese characters.
So I replied: “休息lor…”
To my surprise, she exclaimed in excitement: “Really? Is that how it is written in Chinese?”
So I told her: “Remember the verse that talks about “oh come to me all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
I asked her if she recalls where this verse is taken from, as I have forgotten. But at the same time, I looked it up in my Chinese Bible and found this in Matthew 11:28.
She also found the verse, almost simultaneously.
Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
This is the Chinese translation (for those of you who can read Chinese):-
The NIV version of the Chinese Bible translated ‘rest’ as “安息 ”.
But in the Chinese vernacular, in common figures of speech, we do not write:我要安息了(which means in English “I want to rest”), do we?
Instead, we write“我要休息了”to mean “I want to rest” right?
It was at this instant, as I was reading the verse, that the Holy Spirit dropped another nugget of revelation into my heart!
And I was so excited, as He revealed more and more to me, which I’m going to share with you now.
Firstly, do you notice that the words休息which means ‘rest’ in Chinese, comprises two Chinese characters.
Now we know that Chinese characters originated from pictograms from ancient times.
Let’s look at the two characters that combine to mean the word ‘rest’ separately to uncover this revelation.
In the Chinese character休(pronounced as ‘xiu’), we see a人written side by side with the character 木(which means ‘wood’).
This calls to mind the following verse from John 15: 4-5 when Jesus reveals Himself as the True Vine.
He says: “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. (John 15: 4)
“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing. (John 15: 5)
The Amplified Bible used the word ‘dwell’ for ‘abide’. Basically, it means ‘to stay’.
Can you see therefore that the Chinese character休is pictorially speaking, a man abiding/dwelling/staying with Christ, represented by the木, which is wood?
By the way, the word木is also pictorially, a人on a十(i.e. a Man on a Cross)
Remember that Chinese characters originated from pictograms because the early Chinese people composed words from what they see by their eyes, just as the Egyptians use hieroglyphics.
Now let’s look at the other half of the Chinese word for ‘rest’ - 息.
It is made up of a自(which means ‘me’ or‘我’) over a心(which means ‘heart’).
So put together, pictorially, the other word for rest息is actually the picture of a person over a heart, i.e. guarding one’s heart.
Where this appears in the Bible, let’s look at Philippians 4: 6-7 which says
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
What, then, is this ‘peace of God’?
It is the shalom that Jesus gives unto us as He says in John 14: 27
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not yourheartbetroubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Put together the two Chinese characters,休息, unveils the true meaning of the word ‘rest’ as defined by Jesus himself in the Bible.
So, brothers and sisters, we are to guard our hearts with the peace of God, with the shalom that Jesus gives us. And this shalom peace can only be found in Him, so in Him we shall Abide and Dwell in.
And there, we shall encounter and enter the True Rest – Jesus Christ, the Son of God!
For in Hebrews 4: 9-10, the Apostle Paulwrites “There remains therefore a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from his.”
And that rest, as illustrated by the Chinese characters休息is found in our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ! Hallelujah!!!
Well, I should, because I have just witnessed miraculous healings taking place - the lame walked out of their wheelchairs, people being slain in their seats, in domino-fashion, pastors lying on the stage in a trance, shaking uncontrollably.
I have just attended an evangelical healing meeting by a great man of God, a successful minister with one of the most respected healing ministries in the world.
That’s right. For those of you who attended the Benny Hinn rally last night at the Singapore Indoor Stadium and went away awe-stricken, dumbfounded, or emotional recharged, you would have experienced the scenario I have just described.
Yet, all the while, raising my hands to the Lord, and praying incessantly in tongues, I was continually asking my Heavenly Father – is this truly your work Lord?
Don’t misunderstand me, it’s wonderful that people are getting healed…but it’s quite a sight to behold for the uninitiated, and I would even go so far as to say, it’s a little traumatising.
I mean, it’s the first time I see people who have been slain, being ‘commanded’ to be picked up by the catchers, and then with a sweeping “The Fire From Heaven”, the people would be slain.
There was this guy who was slain repeatedly, not once, but THREE times!!!
Poor fella, he was literally shaken as if a lightning bolt just hit him. Man! It’s an awesome sight!
Selah.
Now think again, the “Fire from Heaven” – tweak tweak…I mean, you’re serious?
And did you notice how authoritative Pastor Benny sounded when he ‘flowed’ with God?
“Get him out of the way! I say, get him out! Pick him up, QUICK! Pick him up! Let’s do our job, you gotta pay more attention…” these are all words that Pastor Benny uttered as he went around dishing the “Touch of the Holy Spirit!”
At one point, Pastor Benny was asking people in the seats to hold hands in various sections, according to what he says, the “flow of the Spirit” and with an exclamation of “Touch!”, the entire section of people would be instantaneously slain in their seats!
The best part was at the end of the service, he asked Pastor Kong of CityHarvestChurch (also the organising church for this event) to come out and bless the choir with the touch of the Holy Ghost.
And he said to Pastor Kong, that when he raised both his hands and said the word “Touch”, the entire choir would be slain in the Spirit.
And this he did, as Pastor Benny said.
The entire choir was slain the moment he said “Touch” – in impeccable domino fashion! It’s like watching a superbly-coordinated stunt show!
And subsequently members of the choir, both brothers and sisters, were in a state of holy laughter or crying.
I don’t know what you guys say to all these. It’s not that I have not witnessed people being slain in my church, and personally, I’ve experienced the touch of the Holy Ghost and the experience of being slain.
But to do it in such spectacular, I would even say ridiculous fashion, it begs the question “what’s the purpose of it all? Are lives being transformed? Maybe. Is the Word going forth? Perhaps. Is your spiritual hunger satisfied? I very much doubt so.”
I don’t know. Something inside me didn’t feel the peace. Though I kept praying in tongues, in my mind, I kept talking to the Lord: “Lord, aren’t you a loving Father? Is that how the way you ‘flowed’ with a minister of Your Word?”
You know what He said?
He said: “Son, do not go after signs and wonders. You know who I am.”
It reminds me of this verse from John 10: 27 - "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” (NKJV)
Again, I want to stress that I have respect for Pastor Benny, and this was also the main reason why I was so excited initially when I heard he’s coming here for three days to preach!
Man, I wanna hear him preach!
But I was left with a feeling of hunger, and not being fed!
Listening to a double-sided CD sermon from our church, I felt so full from the Word and so blessed!
I feel so blessed to be in this church! And I say, give me that CD anytime!
Decided to call my blog "xtravagant worshipper" after Darlene Zschech's book "Extravagant Worship". David wrote some of his greatest Psalms during some of the darkest preiods in his life. Psalms that are uplifting and speaks of hope and glory! David is truly a worshipper of God, and I want to be a worshipper after the order of David! An extravagant worshipper!!!
"But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head." - Psalms 3:3
